Whenever I read about the saints who were mystics or read accounts of biblical conversations with God, I think how much easier life would be if only God would talk directly to me. Sometimes I find myself questioning decisions I have made, even if at the time, I felt that I was doing God's will. How do we know God's will for our lives??
I believe that for most of us, God speaks through our conscience. My hope is that if we truly follow our conscience(even if it's hard) and pray without ceasing, that we will at least have the consolation of knowing we are living to the best of our human capabilities in accordance with God's plan for our lives.
Some of the decisions I have made over the past few years in response to my conscience, have been difficult...to say the least. There are consequences to every action, right or wrong.
Some of the consequences of my conscience lead actions have made me feel isolated, disconnected, and excluded from people I have great love and admiration for. At times, it feels more like a punishment. I asked God, "Why, if I am honestly and wholeheartedly trying to do your will, must I struggle?"
As the house was quiet early this morning and I could listen with the ears of my soul for my Lord to speak...as He does to every human being upon the earth, I felt a soothing answer to my question. I believe His response to me was this: "You are experiencing my mercy." I pondered that a long time, because it wasn't what I expected to hear. How could suffering ever be a mercy?
I think as a fallen creature, I cling to this world for peace, consolation, and comfort. I forget that this is not my permanent address. I have discovered through the great blessing of Adoration, that the soul requires stillness and silence in order for clarity.
God knows me better than I know myself. He knows I am an extremely distracted person bouncing from one thing to the next in random disorder. He knows that in order to do His will, I have to have that inner quiet. I find myself fighting this battle many times a day. Fighting the distraction of this world, yet yearning and seeking truth and God's will.
Through my conscience, I believe the Lord guides me to make decisions that will be hard on this earth, but I have great hope that they will lead me to my true home. His mercy is that He is saving me from distraction that could be for me,... my corruption.
God's plan is not the same for each person. Some struggle with the opposite flaw..drawing away from the world too much, when in reality, God needs that person to light His way.
Please Lord, have mercy on us all.